I'll Be Your Man

 I'm enjoying this very very much. So much, I'm going to sing in mandarin!


[Verse 1]
Too many voices, too many noises
Invisible wires keeping us apart
So many choices, but there all disappointments
And they only seel me away from you
Climb into our own private bubble
Lets get into all kinds of trouble

[Chorus]
Slide over here let your hands feel the way
Theres no better method to communicate
Girl stop your talking words just get in the way
I'll be your man
So baby come over, from the end of the sofa
I'll be your man
I'll be your man

[Verse 2]
So many faces, staring at their shoe laces
When only one wants to be seen
So tonight lets be honest, we all want to wanted
And darling your got me wanting you
Everything that I'm trying to say
Just sounds like a warn out cleeshay

[Chorus]
Slide over here let your hands feel the way
Theres no better method to communicate
Girl stop your talking words just get in the way
I'll be your man
So baby come over, from the end of the sofa
I'll be your man
I'll be your man

[Verse 3]
Were all what your looking for
Someone we just can't ignore
Its real love drippin' from my heart
You've got me trippin'
Were all what your looking for...

[Chorus]
Slide over here let your hands feel the way
Theres no better method to communicate
Girl stop your talking words just get in the way
I'll be your man
So baby come over, from the end of the sofa
I'll be your man
I'll be your man

(Slide over here) Slide over here let your hands feel the way
Theres no better method to communicate (Slide over here)
Girl stop your talking words just get in the way
I'll be your man
So baby come over, from the end of the sofa
I'll be your man
I'll be your man
I'll be your man
I'll be your man
I'll be your man
I'll be your man

After Midnight

I had been sleeping really late recently.

Right after my final exams, I am sleeping at 5am and wake up after noon the very next day. This is a screwed up biological sleeping pattern, yet it is all because I started to like the serenity and peace that I could have during wee hours. The pace slows down and I could feel the world on the top on my fingertips. Looping Dido's song at the background, I started reading articles and writing blog posts all over again.

I had found the motivation to actually write down stuff.

Perhaps I am trying to leave some tracks, a desperate attempt and frail struggle to exist or at least, try to exist. I wonder since when it began, when things around me seem to have a lot more impact on me. Relationships between people and the things I did became an epitome of my life. Maybe that's why I am starting with all these resolutions completion project which includes 12 self improvement resolutions to be completed within 365 days. List goes all the way from, exercising to taking a guitar lesson.

This is sad, no? Trying to think that I had a direction and attempting to achieve my lifetime goals while experiencing life at its best when in fact I am just like everyone else, lost in the sea of people, wondering around with no sense of purpose. Not to mention the occasional realization of the shallowness of the world and the materialistic side of the society. Please do not allow me to come in contact with people who are suicidal inclined, they might just suicide there and then after 5 minutes of conversation with me.

But the best thing is? I won't, because I am still believing in possibilities, of things happening or the complete opposite. It makes me feel like a complete hypocrite, living with an unknown mask in front of my face, trying to fit in ALL the time.

This is so tiring.

If there's one day when financial freedom is achieved, I would submerge myself in arts and expressions. Maybe I will make music, maybe I will make movies, maybe I will runaway and travel around the world. Allowing myself to disappear from the surface of the world for awhile, not like it matters anyway. I will stand under the Eiffel Tower, I will lie on the beach at Bali, I will ski at Hokkaido, Japan, I will paint my life with experiences that I never thought I would encounter.

The harsh truth of life has to get in the way, tearing dreams apart and leaving life pointless. Capitalist and materialist ideologies had constantly insisting that it's not okay to do what you want because one needs to work and and earn money to enjoy life as it is. We are meant to work, that's what they say. And make us richer. that's what they didn't say. It might be wise to know that you are able identify these ideologies at play in our society, yet the society still perceive you as a person who is in denial and refusing to accept the social order.

Frustrating much.

Am I going to feel content doing what I like but leaving a trace? Or merely contributing to the social order? I guess it's going to be a long night, tonight.

Dido - Life for Rent

The feeling so complicated inside, when this song was played over the radio. It feels so... empty, deep inside. The sense of belonging rendered, invalid.

Maybe that's exactly why I constantly wants to run away, from everything else. Questioning the matter of love and despair and rationalizing life. But if my life is for rent, I think the rental shouldn't be high, as of I do not have much furniture inside. One day, maybe one day, I would meet someone that would understand the various sizes of pictures and photos I hung all over the house. Everything I had, everyone that I had met, seems like a phase, a passage of water which will eventually pass, nothing I have is truly mine. I'm just very sentimental.

Maybe that's because I had never strong enough to stick long enough to associate with the people and the things around me. I had grown too lazy to tolerate and entertain drama among the society. Sure, dissociating with it painful, but my laziness always win. I will regret the very next day, and will proceed with my life, trying to be better than tomorrow.

The concept of life is too vague.

No one knows how to live, they only think they know how to live. Don't judge me with your standards, everyone is trying their best to live life.

Thinking Skills

Never expected thinking skills can be assessed through final exam. It was so agonizing to see one question worth forty marks. I don't support I could expect anything for this exam, hopefully the rest of the subject could pull the average up.

Is it even fair to judge thought?

In what case the thought process is deemed right? Based on majority's perception on things? In what sense is my thought is assumed as wrong? Or the context in which I am judged upon?

Thinking is subjective, no?

Maybe I'm just giving excuses for the potential disastrous result ahead.

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走鋼索的人

林宥嘉 - 走鋼索的人

走在半空中 

要人命的風 

就快要把我吹落 

你在那一頭 

說你不愛我 

我掛在風裡顫抖 

走鋼索的人 不害怕犧牲 

只求你一句 愛我 

往前是解脫 後退是自由 

我應不應該回頭 

風吹痛我雙眼 我看不清楚 

我平衡不了 躲在我心裡的苦 

我要給你幸福 你蠻不在乎 

你愛不愛我 會決定我 下一步 

往前是冷漠 

後退是寂寞 

乾脆我墜落 

回憶在左手 

未來在右手 

誰又會同情我 

Remember

Went back to Melaka today, to see my grandma.

She couldn't recall my name.

Neither with my sisters' and even my mother's name. This scares me, have to accept the fact that there will be one day when I will not be able to remember my own name, where I came from and where I would ultimately want to go.

It's scary to know that I will not remember myself, one day.

What am I suppose to do, when I am sitting there merely waiting for my time to go? Will I wait, or would I choose to just go? Will I see the point to exist and occupy space, would I be able to remember as much as possible? The faces that I love, the places that I went, the things I did and the experiences that I would want to remember.

What am I suppose to do?

Coming to an End

It's scary.

The thought of time passing on so fast. It feels like yesterday when I came back from Korea. It feels like yesterday when I had my first 20 weeks internship in a multinational advertising firm. It feels like yesterday when I graduated from my diploma with distinction. It feels like yesterday when I applied for the degree program. And semester one is coming to an end after the finals from 5th to the 16th of December. Soon, very soon.

Time has no mercy, it just keeps on going. Regardless what you may had decided to do, to stay or to progress. To this very point, I felt like I am not maximizing the time and productivity of my life's direction. It's never enough, it's always too many things to do and oh-so-little-time.

I have so many tasks on my to-do-list. It's very scary, when I realize that this year is coming to an end. I still have dreams to live, and life to dream on. I refuse to sit on it and not do anything about it. To achieve something, 3 crucial resources are required: human resource, time and money. I am the human resource, and I need to fully utilize my time. Am I going to allow money to restrict myself? I am afraid that I am doing so right now.

I want to runaway.

I had been saying this for quite some time already. I had been staying in Subang Jaya for a little but more that 2 decades. I need and I desire to expand my horizon, to see, to learn and to experience. Let me run, let me escape to a place that I might not know, that I might not understand. Let me fall, let me learn from the mistakes that I made throughout my life, throughout my existence. Let me experience, let me grow from the things I see, the things I learn and the things that I am about to experience.

I will be responsible to myself, and the choices I made and will make in the future.

I am not sure whether I will be fine, whether I will be rich, whether I will be a better person (or not). I had drew up my map and lay it on the table, telling myself: just allow myself to do so. Please be fine. Please be okay. I hope, I sincerely hope so.

I learned a lot and even met a lot of new friends. Having new friends like Shinta, Edwin and Isaiah from the degree course in Sunway had brighten up the road and journey we are about to take. Maybe, just maybe 10 years later, we would be sitting on the same table again, laughing about the assignments we had over a cup of coffee, or chocolate. It would be fine, it should be okay at the end of the day. I hope, I sincerely hope so.

It's almost the end of 2011.

It's time to clean up the mess and be a little bit more productive then the year before. A little bit more determined than the year before. And,  a little bit more grateful than the year before.

Thank you, world.
Thank you, friends.
New or Old.

Thank you, I truly know what I suppose to do now.

Starbucks的Hot Caramel Chocolate

我其实很享受Starbucks的Hot Caramel Chocolate.

那一个雨后的晚上，

那一杯暖暖的饮料。

喝下，100%纯正天然的幸福。

坐在一个角落的风景其实还不赖。

在看着人来人往，稀里哗啦。

无所事事的心情，好久不见。

那杯饮料，其实很甜。不，非常甜。

我妹妹拿起杯子，

喝下了一大口。

然后，转身离开。

明天是SPM数学考试，整大半的店里都是学生。

正在奋斗的学生。

我在这里的原因，

全都是因为她的。

我真的真的好怀恋，

这种好简单的感觉。

这种好简单的关系。

人与人的人际关系。

相互相承的存在着。

好久不见。

我想，我真的脱节了。

Religion

有你在的地方一定有欢笑，你善良，调皮，任性，霸道与贴心。你看起来活泼好动，但实际内心深处，你有些自卑而自负，你希望自己能把事情做到最好，你很在乎别人对你的评价，你的性格像小孩，单纯直接，情绪化，喜怒哀乐写在脸上，你没有心机，但也缺少些自我保护的能力，你表面看来很容易相处，但想要走进你的内心世界其实并不容易，你需要人家的鼓励，包容，宠爱和肯定，其实你也常常自我反省，你希望自己能做到起码80%的完美，但你似乎没那个毅力，所以你的情绪变化无常，一定是被这些因素困扰的。


=(

I need to break away.

I am studying for my thinking skills test tomorrow. The notes are like a 150 pages booklet filled with font size 9 wordings. I am paranoid, given the fact that I failed my Corporate Communication test the week before last. My mother came into my room and asked me: "You are studying?!" She had this sarcastic smile on her face.

I guess it had been awhile since I last studied. As a matter of fact, I had never did take my studies seriously before. No wonder she was smiling, mischievously. I, on the other hand, will not be pressured by her smile. Hence, I took my highlighter and continue to journey within the lines, stating my point.

It's true.

Since the commencement of the degree program, I am as my diploma coordinator, Mr. Liling called it: "stretched to the limit" for the very first time. Fair enough, diploma was a breeze for me. It was like a vacation. I learnt a lot, I do experienced a lot too. But, it wasn't study. It was merely knowing, doing and get over it. I had never buried my face into the textbooks, for that Esther had been complaining a lot. (Well, she is doing Degree after all.) I could afford to do assignment a night before the assignment due date. Life was good back then.

And of course, good things never lasted for long. "Welcome to degree life." I told myself. Before I know it, I am studying. Before I know what's going on, I failed my first test. Marvelous. On the mock presentation, I was told that my verbal skills in English is not up to par. Marvelous.

It was devastating.

Suddenly, the highest achiever's award from the diploma program does not mean anything anymore. It did not ensure and guarantee anything. I fell flat on the ground, face first and it hurts, a lot. Facing a bit of cultural shock in the group assignments, a bit of assessment shock in the first test and last but not least, a bit of language barriers trying to explain a point. To a certain extent, I suppose it's reasonable to conclude that my confidence level had been damaged severely. Or maybe I was just being too comfortable with the previous pattern adopted from the diploma program.

I need to break away.

抓沙

“你知道抓沙的感觉吗？”我当时坐在厨房和饭厅之间的台阶上。

“沙，抓得住吗？”我妈妈把我明天要穿的西装裤裤脚上的线猛拉。我不知觉地也跟着抽了一下。

“那种你很想把它留下，但是它一直在指缝间溜走的感觉。”我看着妈妈又拉又剪的。

妈妈没有答复我，继续拉扯着线。我想她已经明白了，完完全全的明白了。

我回去房间内，把我已经不能穿的裤子，全部都从衣橱里一件一件的拿出来。留不住的，就不可能留住的。该过去的，就应该让它好好的去。

“勉强是不会快乐的。”这句话我不知道听过多少遍了。电视上，书本上，朋友口中，在我脑海里荡漾的这句话。

明天我去实习了，必须在社会大学里待上五个月的时间。如果勉强是没有快乐的，我可以不去实习吗？如果世界上有那么多选择的话，我想谁都不想勉强自己去做自己不快乐的事。如果事情可以那么简单的话，没有人会活得不快乐了。

如果可以有那么多的如果，就不会有那么多的遗憾了。

也不知道从什么时候开始，我常常望着天空发呆。蓝蓝的天空，挂着白云朵朵，可能这就是我向往的生活吧！无忧无虑的，无牵无挂。但是，天空若没有太阳，月亮和星星的陪伴下，会显得特别的孤单。

不管你如何期待永久的晴天，你其实自己早 都已经知道，你的期待，只能够永远的保留在期待的位子。刮风，下雨，阴沉都是免不了的。真的免不了的。变化是你无法改变的事实，改变不了的事实，又何必伤脑筋改变呢？

发呆也会让人有所领悟的。

或许，可能这只是或许，我可以依然在环境的摧残下，微笑着迎接明天的一切可能。

快乐很简单，简单到人们都不认为快乐不单纯只是那么简单，那么容易得到的美好。所以人嘛，很难快乐。我很不幸的，也一样的沦落到这个快乐与悲伤中间的灰色地带。

什么来的？？

不就是不知道什么值得快乐，不知道什么应该悲伤的情感空虚。在这段日子里，我找不到微笑的理由，我想哭但是却哭不出来。

因为，我都抓不住手上的沙，留不住身边的人。




--- 3rd August 2010

Korea Trip

All of the sudden, I went to Korea and participated Taekwondo competition. I am really sorry that I from the start to the end, am not satisfied of my performance. It just feel like I am not good enough, upon completion of the competition, it had further confirm my thoughts. I am not strong enough, not flexible enough, not good enough. Depressing? Yes. Motivating? Oh hell yes.

When you are exposed to stimuli or even confined in an area where everyone else's standard is THAT high, you have no choice but to improve. I don't want to call it eustress, I rather call it self-actualization. When you are informed that there are something better out there, what you have became worthless. As long as you are willing to do something about it, then it's all okay.

It's just a little overwhelming, honestly. To see other Taekwondo player perform their Side Kick all the way 170 to 180 degrees upward. According to the all mighty Master Park, Side Kick do shows the proficiency of a particular Taekwondo player in terms of the understanding of the motion all the way to the dedication and years put into the training. If  170 degree is normal, I think I barely passed. Doing that in Malaysia? I think you will earn respect from everyone 3rd Dan and below. Heck, even a master might not be able to do it too.

That looks like a direction to go.
At least 150 degree, come on!

Event Preparation

It's been awhile since I last involved in the event preparation already.

I guess it had been a good 3 years since then. Today was the VU Freshie's Night which William is involved in the decoration. I was pretty beat up from the Taekwondo practice the day before, but was awaken by William's call at 9am. I dragged my half dead half blur body to the university. I suppose youngsters nowadays had never really involved in these activities much, thus allowing me to witness a lot of "whatever-nobody-can-see" attitude. Honestly, I am annoyed.

But what can I do? I am merely somebody who is not even belong to the committee and even the university. Just because that I studied event management does not change anything from the budget to the time management. That aside, it's quite painful and agonizing to see that even the Plan B (which I also did not quite like it) did not work well due to time constraint, which is obviously, due to the uninformed committees and slow moving work progress. I had even throw in my share of money into the material, seeing it falling apart does hurt, unfortunately.

Started 2 weeks before the event with limited manpower driving the decoration preparation, I had already foresee problems. Ah well, I guess it's the nature of event planning process. It's just that we have significantly low budget, significantly insufficient time due to insufficient manpower to drive the progress in the early stages of the event. External sponsorship not available as it was said to be saved for the next event, I was absolutely dumbfounded. I did expected more cardboard boxes, but I guess I'll just have to make do. Was suppose to make the jeans stopped in time, falling off the cardboard boxes, but we had just too little jeans and too little time.

Note to self, if were to conduct centerpiece production, opt for plywood with nails then paint it. If cost is still a major constraint and polystyrene is the only choice, start very early and bind pieces of polystyrene together with polystyrene glue or double sided tape and lots of PVA glue and allow it to dry thoroughly. Plaster require thorough drying too for maximum hardness which also indicate that we would have to start really early, 2 weeks is not reasonable. And of course, fishing lines with weights (wire gauze in this case), definitely something to be avoided after looking at the wounds all around the hands. It is possible to use multiple 5 liter oil container to add water for weights in cases of tower building and erections of graphic materials. Masking Tape works well during emergencies, remember to stock them up, lots of them.

I absolutely loved the ladder and theme item decoration, it was awesome. Hopefully I could get the picture from William and include it here, it was something really worth remembering. I am unable to stay back for the event due to Taekwondo training again, but hopefully everything is exactly how it looks like when I left the Multipurpose Hall, it's a bit late to say this, but I certainly hope the event did successfully changed peoples' perceptions towards event planning. It isn't all that easy, what you need is just time, money, manpower and lots of willpower and creative mind.

Of course, all in all, hopefully William could have a really good night sleep after this.

Running

I had been doing a lot of things that I would never expect myself to do. For example, 12.3km run of Men Health, tonight. I mean for a person like me who hated running participating in a marathon, well, I would not say I am completely sane at the moment. I am not quite sure what am I trying to prove or what am I trying to convince. Maybe I am trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I am trying to make the best out of everything, maybe I am trying to run away. I would not completely deny the possibilities. Or maybe I just do not want to leave any regrets behind, probably all because of the fact that I was listening to a lot of talks recently and a lot dealt with perceptions.Or maybe I am just getting old. *Gasp*

"I will not try to be right, I choose to be happy." the speaker once said.

Am I happy? What am I suppose to do to feel happy? I started to question myself. It was used to be easy, I could be happy with a nice dinner, a simple gift, a short conversation, a simple trip or a insignificant accomplishment (real or virtual). But things had changed, I still feel happy nonetheless, but significantly less. My thoughts wonders back to the questions but it was completely futile. For some reason, I couldn't even give a definite answer to myself.

I am aware of my desire of learning which probably is a result for a constant feeling of incapability. Does this produce happiness? Apparently not. Learning is a choice to survive better, I need to learn and my rationale refuse to associate requirement with emotional satisfaction. And so, I am back to square one. I am also aware of my weird habit of jumping into new things, aka exploring new things, maybe that will be a credible source for happiness. I went diving, am I happy? Yes, accomplishment. I am running, will I be happy? Very likely, accomplishment. I guess that is exactly what I am going to do.

So yeah, I am going to run for 12.3km tonight at PutraJaya and I certainly hope that I could still feel my leg after that. *Cross Fingers*

I have a Tumblr!

As the title suggested, I do have a Tumblr site for short and simple blog posts.

While this blog is reserved for heavy stuff. =P

Shall resume blogging really soon! XD

That's it, Diploma.

I had finally completed my diploma, after 3 and a half years. It took me quite a while, with the cultural exchange to Korea for a year, it had already separated me from my original batch. Facing with a completely new batch of classmates when I came back for only 7 months, sad to say, I don't feel anything that I suppose to feel when I took my final paper on Exhibition Operation subject. Not a hint of happiness, nor sadness. I did my best throughout the entire diploma program, as I had never liked to be labelled as irresponsible. What I had done does not really seem to matter anymore once I proceed to a completely new degree. I could only hope that it would benefit be in terms of the awesomeness of the resume, but I do not feel regret completing this particular diploma of mine.

It did pull out some of the unknown personalities or characteristics of me which I also hope it would benefit me more when I progress into degree the very next month. By the time when I will be completing my degree, most of my friends would probably be working for 2 years or so already. Am I suppose to be worried? Am I suppose to be nervous about my choice of degree now? My dad, especially had made a big fuss of it. I am certainly aware that working experiences are the vital component in the future career pathway while education only works as a stepping stone so why waste time on this when you can finish it within 4 years. However, I refuse to tolerate inferior learning opportunities. Call that character, call that ignorant. I call that learning. After these long period of diploma, I certainly am exposed to various kind of people, challenges, responsibilities and opportunities. I believe it would do me good some time later. *cross fingers*

For the very first time, I am feeling absolute neutral.

伤风咳嗽

不知道是怎么回事，突然又病了。

可能是空调的问题吧。

我不想去上课，但是卻不敢。谁知道可能不去的话，什么都不明白了。在这最后的一个学期，我不能妥协病假，也不能让自己病下去。

好沉重的头。

今天从八点上到五点，我还在犹豫。

Last Semester

It's the last semester for me. For this last semester its about time for me to face the difficult subjects like law, economics and research methodology. Sigh.

The worst part is that I even have moral studies. Hello, community service.

Finals Week

Here I am, in the middle of finals week, finishing the last short semester in my diploma.

Hopefully it will stay all good for the Management Accounting on Thursday, wish me luck. Need the marks to sustain my current average marks. =)

And I am refusing to sleep just yet, just to do completely nothing over the internet.

Short Semester

is irritating.

2 more group assignments, 3 more accounting assignments. Due next week.

Sigh...

School Reopen

It's been awhile since I go back to school. Suddenly there's a bunch of assignments to do. Human resource, imc and management accounting. Good luck to me and I shall disappear for a while to settle those works.

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