Cold

And so, it had finally begun.

Negative temperature finally conquered Korea.

I went to Seoul for six days since last Thursday and I think the Seoul weather literary hates me because the day right after I tell everyone that Seoul wasn't as cold as I thought it was and the temperature dropped below 5 degree Celsius.

The morning right after I went back to Busan, it snowed.

FML.

No Hot Water

There is no hot water supply in the dormitory due to the condition of the heating system.

How to survive?!

Winter - Hot water = Die

Life is like a SHIT

I hate the feeling of being helpless.

In this, I am absolutely sure that I am in this situation in and out for a year already. What makes it worse is that it is not going to end just yet. The whole fact that the time, the people and the place are not in favor with me in this stupid year frustrates me.

And there will be more.

I'm very worried now. But the thing is that I cannot do anything about it. I'm 6 hours flight away from home (I'm not bothered to convert that into mileage), now there's problem at home. Not one, but three. What can I do now? The time when my family needed me the most, I am away from home. This time is not just away, but very far away from home.

I want to go home.

Despite the fact that I might not be the most family-orientated ones you might came across in your life because I complaint about my family like in daily basis, but I want to go back home now. I just feel like being with them now, at least.

Share the hard time together, as a family.

I know we will go through this, but the whole issue that involves me being in the foreign country, still using money from home, giving burden to the family does not makes me feel any better. In fact, I am feeling damn guilty right now.

Two hundred and fifty thousand won is enough to live at Korea, since food and accommodation is provided to us. There is no reason for me to overspent it and still using the money back at home.

However, I still insisted to travel.

For that, I feel damn guilty. So guilty that I don't know what to do anymore. I might be acting really selfish right now, and I really does not enjoy the fact that I am not only not helping but increasing the burden of the family.

Recently, I realize that I got this "do-not-know-what-to-do-anymore" scenario more than ever, is like I'm getting stupider as I grow up. Or getting much more inflexible around people.

It is really frustrating.

Just came to knowing my grandfather was confirmed that he can only live for one more year due to liver cancer and for that itself I think I am going to break down. Because just only last 6 months ago, my grandmother is getting ill and the situation is not going help in anyway when my mum told me that my dad's business is at stake right now.

I want to go home now. Very badly.

Oh yes, life is like a shit. I insist.

And you know what? I don't know what to do anymore.

我们

来到韩国以后，发现到我的思想还有很多空间。

看到的人事物，都一直在证明我的思路有问题。

是时候长大了，已经十九岁幼稚姓李的这一位。

开始对“我们”这个字汇有所厌恶。

只因为那个“我们”，只是“我们”，没有“你”。

只因为那个“我们”，不包括“你”。

只因为那个“我们”。

我们国家的人。我们自己的人。

我们，我们，我们。

在异国做交换学生，学的东西还真多。

看的东西嘛，只会告诉你，世界真奇妙。

不怪得世界的关系很僵。

That Autumn

That day was surprisingly windy.

That other day, it snowed.

Sigh

I am here for 2 months already.

When you are alone in a foreign land, and officially become something out of the norm in the particular society, things will never be the same. Being different is one thing, accommodating is another thing. I once thought I can, apparently I was wrong. I thought I will escape from what I faced in my familiar ground, and apparently I was wrong, again.

I have a set of problems.

I have a problem when it involves a conversation with people that talk without using his or her brain. I have a problem with people who like to impress others but make themselves sound even dumber. I have a problem with dramas portrayed by people which clearly showed the insincerity quite obviously. I have a problem with people who do not treat you as who you are, who do not care, who do not bother in any aspect anyway. I have a problem with people that are just way too ignorant to accept the fact that they are wrong.

I am exhausted.

True, this is the reality. I said "Hi" to reality quite a number of times already. In fact, I tried and it seems that the courage of me embracing this ugly truth will turned invalid over and over again. I am constantly been reminded, over and over again. I told myself not to care. I told myself not to bother, to not beat the crowd and join them. I failed, and I lost count of it already.

I took a deep breath.

And tell myself that it will be better. To lie to myself like this is the best way to prevent myself to behave like one of them at the end of the day. I hate my situation now, I hate how the reality functions. I know couldn't do anything about it, thus I just need some space to rant for a little while.

Then, I will take a deep breath again.

And tell myself:

"Here we go again."

明白

在这里，
没有人能明白我。

The Wait

我永远都不知道，我已经错过了多少个青灯了。
我也不想知道了。
I will never know how many greens I missed.
I don't want to know it anymore.

Korean Culture Shock #1

Your Multi-Purpose Student ID

Apparently my student ID can be use as a transportation card in Korea, something like Touch and Go. But instead of surcharge, you actually get discount from using the card.

The card is used to enter some classrooms too.

I'm speechless.

Where are you?

当我在这里的时候，亲爱的你在哪里呢？