Tuesday, October 4, 2011

抓沙

“你知道抓沙的感觉吗?”我当时坐在厨房和饭厅之间的台阶上。

“沙,抓得住吗?”我妈妈把我明天要穿的西装裤裤脚上的线猛拉。我不知觉地也跟着抽了一下。

“那种你很想把它留下,但是它一直在指缝间溜走的感觉。”我看着妈妈又拉又剪的。

妈妈没有答复我,继续拉扯着线。我想她已经明白了,完完全全的明白了。

我回去房间内,把我已经不能穿的裤子,全部都从衣橱里一件一件的拿出来。留不住的,就不可能留住的。该过去的,就应该让它好好的去。

“勉强是不会快乐的。”这句话我不知道听过多少遍了。电视上,书本上,朋友口中,在我脑海里荡漾的这句话。

明天我去实习了,必须在社会大学里待上五个月的时间。如果勉强是没有快乐的,我可以不去实习吗?如果世界上有那么多选择的话,我想谁都不想勉强自己去做自己不快乐的事。如果事情可以那么简单的话,没有人会活得不快乐了。

如果可以有那么多的如果,就不会有那么多的遗憾了。

也不知道从什么时候开始,我常常望着天空发呆。蓝蓝的天空,挂着白云朵朵,可能这就是我向往的生活吧!无忧无虑的,无牵无挂。但是,天空若没有太阳,月亮和星星的陪伴下,会显得特别的孤单。

不管你如何期待永久的晴天,你其实自己早 都已经知道,你的期待,只能够永远的保留在期待的位子。刮风,下雨,阴沉都是免不了的。真的免不了的。变化是你无法改变的事实,改变不了的事实,又何必伤脑筋改变呢?

发呆也会让人有所领悟的。

或许,可能这只是或许,我可以依然在环境的摧残下,微笑着迎接明天的一切可能。

快乐很简单,简单到人们都不认为快乐不单纯只是那么简单,那么容易得到的美好。所以人嘛,很难快乐。我很不幸的,也一样的沦落到这个快乐与悲伤中间的灰色地带。

什么来的??

不就是不知道什么值得快乐,不知道什么应该悲伤的情感空虚。在这段日子里,我找不到微笑的理由,我想哭但是却哭不出来。
因为,我都抓不住手上的沙,留不住身边的人。




--- 3rd August 2010

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Korea Trip

All of the sudden, I went to Korea and participated Taekwondo competition. I am really sorry that I from the start to the end, am not satisfied of my performance. It just feel like I am not good enough, upon completion of the competition, it had further confirm my thoughts. I am not strong enough, not flexible enough, not good enough. Depressing? Yes. Motivating? Oh hell yes.

When you are exposed to stimuli or even confined in an area where everyone else's standard is THAT high, you have no choice but to improve. I don't want to call it eustress, I rather call it self-actualization. When you are informed that there are something better out there, what you have became worthless. As long as you are willing to do something about it, then it's all okay.


It's just a little overwhelming, honestly. To see other Taekwondo player perform their Side Kick all the way 170 to 180 degrees upward. According to the all mighty Master Park, Side Kick do shows the proficiency of a particular Taekwondo player in terms of the understanding of the motion all the way to the dedication and years put into the training. If  170 degree is normal, I think I barely passed. Doing that in Malaysia? I think you will earn respect from everyone 3rd Dan and below. Heck, even a master might not be able to do it too.

That looks like a direction to go.
At least 150 degree, come on!


Friday, August 5, 2011

Event Preparation

It's been awhile since I last involved in the event preparation already.

I guess it had been a good 3 years since then. Today was the VU Freshie's Night which William is involved in the decoration. I was pretty beat up from the Taekwondo practice the day before, but was awaken by William's call at 9am. I dragged my half dead half blur body to the university. I suppose youngsters nowadays had never really involved in these activities much, thus allowing me to witness a lot of "whatever-nobody-can-see" attitude. Honestly, I am annoyed.

But what can I do? I am merely somebody who is not even belong to the committee and even the university. Just because that I studied event management does not change anything from the budget to the time management. That aside, it's quite painful and agonizing to see that even the Plan B (which I also did not quite like it) did not work well due to time constraint, which is obviously, due to the uninformed committees and slow moving work progress. I had even throw in my share of money into the material, seeing it falling apart does hurt, unfortunately.

Started 2 weeks before the event with limited manpower driving the decoration preparation, I had already foresee problems. Ah well, I guess it's the nature of event planning process. It's just that we have significantly low budget, significantly insufficient time due to insufficient manpower to drive the progress in the early stages of the event. External sponsorship not available as it was said to be saved for the next event, I was absolutely dumbfounded. I did expected more cardboard boxes, but I guess I'll just have to make do. Was suppose to make the jeans stopped in time, falling off the cardboard boxes, but we had just too little jeans and too little time.

Note to self, if were to conduct centerpiece production, opt for plywood with nails then paint it. If cost is still a major constraint and polystyrene is the only choice, start very early and bind pieces of polystyrene together with polystyrene glue or double sided tape and lots of PVA glue and allow it to dry thoroughly. Plaster require thorough drying too for maximum hardness which also indicate that we would have to start really early, 2 weeks is not reasonable. And of course, fishing lines with weights (wire gauze in this case), definitely something to be avoided after looking at the wounds all around the hands. It is possible to use multiple 5 liter oil container to add water for weights in cases of tower building and erections of graphic materials. Masking Tape works well during emergencies, remember to stock them up, lots of them.

I absolutely loved the ladder and theme item decoration, it was awesome. Hopefully I could get the picture from William and include it here, it was something really worth remembering. I am unable to stay back for the event due to Taekwondo training again, but hopefully everything is exactly how it looks like when I left the Multipurpose Hall, it's a bit late to say this, but I certainly hope the event did successfully changed peoples' perceptions towards event planning. It isn't all that easy, what you need is just time, money, manpower and lots of willpower and creative mind.

Of course, all in all, hopefully William could have a really good night sleep after this.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Running

I had been doing a lot of things that I would never expect myself to do. For example, 12.3km run of Men Health, tonight. I mean for a person like me who hated running participating in a marathon, well, I would not say I am completely sane at the moment. I am not quite sure what am I trying to prove or what am I trying to convince. Maybe I am trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I am trying to make the best out of everything, maybe I am trying to run away. I would not completely deny the possibilities. Or maybe I just do not want to leave any regrets behind, probably all because of the fact that I was listening to a lot of talks recently and a lot dealt with perceptions.Or maybe I am just getting old. *Gasp*

"I will not try to be right, I choose to be happy." the speaker once said.

Am I happy? What am I suppose to do to feel happy? I started to question myself. It was used to be easy, I could be happy with a nice dinner, a simple gift, a short conversation, a simple trip or a insignificant accomplishment (real or virtual). But things had changed, I still feel happy nonetheless, but significantly less. My thoughts wonders back to the questions but it was completely futile. For some reason, I couldn't even give a definite answer to myself.

I am aware of my desire of learning which probably is a result for a constant feeling of incapability. Does this produce happiness? Apparently not. Learning is a choice to survive better, I need to learn and my rationale refuse to associate requirement with emotional satisfaction. And so, I am back to square one. I am also aware of my weird habit of jumping into new things, aka exploring new things, maybe that will be a credible source for happiness. I went diving, am I happy? Yes, accomplishment. I am running, will I be happy? Very likely, accomplishment. I guess that is exactly what I am going to do.

So yeah, I am going to run for 12.3km tonight at PutraJaya and I certainly hope that I could still feel my leg after that. *Cross Fingers*

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I have a Tumblr!

As the title suggested, I do have a Tumblr site for short and simple blog posts.

While this blog is reserved for heavy stuff. =P

Shall resume blogging really soon! XD

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

That's it, Diploma.

I had finally completed my diploma, after 3 and a half years. It took me quite a while, with the cultural exchange to Korea for a year, it had already separated me from my original batch. Facing with a completely new batch of classmates when I came back for only 7 months, sad to say, I don't feel anything that I suppose to feel when I took my final paper on Exhibition Operation subject. Not a hint of happiness, nor sadness. I did my best throughout the entire diploma program, as I had never liked to be labelled as irresponsible. What I had done does not really seem to matter anymore once I proceed to a completely new degree. I could only hope that it would benefit be in terms of the awesomeness of the resume, but I do not feel regret completing this particular diploma of mine.

It did pull out some of the unknown personalities or characteristics of me which I also hope it would benefit me more when I progress into degree the very next month. By the time when I will be completing my degree, most of my friends would probably be working for 2 years or so already. Am I suppose to be worried? Am I suppose to be nervous about my choice of degree now? My dad, especially had made a big fuss of it. I am certainly aware that working experiences are the vital component in the future career pathway while education only works as a stepping stone so why waste time on this when you can finish it within 4 years. However, I refuse to tolerate inferior learning opportunities. Call that character, call that ignorant. I call that learning. After these long period of diploma, I certainly am exposed to various kind of people, challenges, responsibilities and opportunities. I believe it would do me good some time later. *cross fingers*

For the very first time, I am feeling absolute neutral.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

伤风咳嗽

不知道是怎么回事,突然又病了。

可能是空调的问题吧。

我不想去上课,但是卻不敢。谁知道可能不去的话,什么都不明白了。在这最后的一个学期,我不能妥协病假,也不能让自己病下去。

好沉重的头。

今天从八点上到五点,我还在犹豫。