Religion

有你在的地方一定有欢笑，你善良，调皮，任性，霸道与贴心。你看起来活泼好动，但实际内心深处，你有些自卑而自负，你希望自己能把事情做到最好，你很在乎别人对你的评价，你的性格像小孩，单纯直接，情绪化，喜怒哀乐写在脸上，你没有心机，但也缺少些自我保护的能力，你表面看来很容易相处，但想要走进你的内心世界其实并不容易，你需要人家的鼓励，包容，宠爱和肯定，其实你也常常自我反省，你希望自己能做到起码80%的完美，但你似乎没那个毅力，所以你的情绪变化无常，一定是被这些因素困扰的。


=(

I need to break away.

I am studying for my thinking skills test tomorrow. The notes are like a 150 pages booklet filled with font size 9 wordings. I am paranoid, given the fact that I failed my Corporate Communication test the week before last. My mother came into my room and asked me: "You are studying?!" She had this sarcastic smile on her face.

I guess it had been awhile since I last studied. As a matter of fact, I had never did take my studies seriously before. No wonder she was smiling, mischievously. I, on the other hand, will not be pressured by her smile. Hence, I took my highlighter and continue to journey within the lines, stating my point.

It's true.

Since the commencement of the degree program, I am as my diploma coordinator, Mr. Liling called it: "stretched to the limit" for the very first time. Fair enough, diploma was a breeze for me. It was like a vacation. I learnt a lot, I do experienced a lot too. But, it wasn't study. It was merely knowing, doing and get over it. I had never buried my face into the textbooks, for that Esther had been complaining a lot. (Well, she is doing Degree after all.) I could afford to do assignment a night before the assignment due date. Life was good back then.

And of course, good things never lasted for long. "Welcome to degree life." I told myself. Before I know it, I am studying. Before I know what's going on, I failed my first test. Marvelous. On the mock presentation, I was told that my verbal skills in English is not up to par. Marvelous.

It was devastating.

Suddenly, the highest achiever's award from the diploma program does not mean anything anymore. It did not ensure and guarantee anything. I fell flat on the ground, face first and it hurts, a lot. Facing a bit of cultural shock in the group assignments, a bit of assessment shock in the first test and last but not least, a bit of language barriers trying to explain a point. To a certain extent, I suppose it's reasonable to conclude that my confidence level had been damaged severely. Or maybe I was just being too comfortable with the previous pattern adopted from the diploma program.

I need to break away.

抓沙

“你知道抓沙的感觉吗？”我当时坐在厨房和饭厅之间的台阶上。

“沙，抓得住吗？”我妈妈把我明天要穿的西装裤裤脚上的线猛拉。我不知觉地也跟着抽了一下。

“那种你很想把它留下，但是它一直在指缝间溜走的感觉。”我看着妈妈又拉又剪的。

妈妈没有答复我，继续拉扯着线。我想她已经明白了，完完全全的明白了。

我回去房间内，把我已经不能穿的裤子，全部都从衣橱里一件一件的拿出来。留不住的，就不可能留住的。该过去的，就应该让它好好的去。

“勉强是不会快乐的。”这句话我不知道听过多少遍了。电视上，书本上，朋友口中，在我脑海里荡漾的这句话。

明天我去实习了，必须在社会大学里待上五个月的时间。如果勉强是没有快乐的，我可以不去实习吗？如果世界上有那么多选择的话，我想谁都不想勉强自己去做自己不快乐的事。如果事情可以那么简单的话，没有人会活得不快乐了。

如果可以有那么多的如果，就不会有那么多的遗憾了。

也不知道从什么时候开始，我常常望着天空发呆。蓝蓝的天空，挂着白云朵朵，可能这就是我向往的生活吧！无忧无虑的，无牵无挂。但是，天空若没有太阳，月亮和星星的陪伴下，会显得特别的孤单。

不管你如何期待永久的晴天，你其实自己早 都已经知道，你的期待，只能够永远的保留在期待的位子。刮风，下雨，阴沉都是免不了的。真的免不了的。变化是你无法改变的事实，改变不了的事实，又何必伤脑筋改变呢？

发呆也会让人有所领悟的。

或许，可能这只是或许，我可以依然在环境的摧残下，微笑着迎接明天的一切可能。

快乐很简单，简单到人们都不认为快乐不单纯只是那么简单，那么容易得到的美好。所以人嘛，很难快乐。我很不幸的，也一样的沦落到这个快乐与悲伤中间的灰色地带。

什么来的？？

不就是不知道什么值得快乐，不知道什么应该悲伤的情感空虚。在这段日子里，我找不到微笑的理由，我想哭但是却哭不出来。

因为，我都抓不住手上的沙，留不住身边的人。




--- 3rd August 2010